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Struggling, Identity, Me….I love me!

Hello Beautiful Women….

So I’m working on creating a new identity. Which means in my book, I have a lot of truth telling to share. I’m Shannon, 50 year old woman who was sexually and physically abused for a good half of my childhood and then was married in patriarchy for 23 years.

See….that’s why I’m struggling with my identity. But I am learning I can’t create new, from the old.

I bought the Joe Dispenza online Intensive about 3 months ago and I’ve only gotten to video 5 out of 25. I keep playing the same sections over and over, writing passages down in my journal and contemplating over these concepts while cleaning the chicken coop.

My entire life I have longed for and craved the divine. I found this love when I was 10 by reading the red letters in Matthew. My friend found this love when her mom would read the acts of Mother Theresa.

It’s been 9 years since I have gone to church, and I’m ready to go back. I really dislike the word church, “spiritual gathering” is more my flavor. Church and Christianity and Religion are hard topics for me.

I’m now attending Universal Unitarian Church in Long Beach. I’m going on a week by week basis, no contracts or membership for me. The best part is if I change religions, I can still keep going to the same church! 😜. I’m poking fun, but it’s all in good humor.

Sometimes I wake with anxiety….that’s SOME HARD SHIT! I measured my BP once at 190/110. Laying down and breathing for 20 minutes brought it down to 150/70.

Yes….how we think affects our feelings. Our feelings determine how we act. How we act affects our feelings. And depending on how we feel, that affects our thinking. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be stopped through interruption. When I get a wave of “All of a sudden I feel like shit,” I do my best to let out a little giggle and PULL THE REINS IN TIGHT, bearing up against the Lying Bastard. I then PLAY in my mind the New Shannon. I see me being silly, playful, with my kids, and friends. Over and Over I do the New Shannon. Some days I don’t though. Those are bad days. I can get caught in my false illusions and they have had me for days, even weeks and months. I also know I am living in EMERGENCY mode and this is not good mentally or physically.

EVERY DAY I GET BETTER! Some weeks I go backwards….but I don’t count those days….I only count the days I get better! ❤️

Today for schooling we made Cannabis Cookies 🍪 (math) and then took them to the beach to pass out to women (social skills). We crafted little words of encouragement on the paper that holds these magical cookies (English). On the way home we listened to a program on NPR about drug use and those who don’t stop. My kids learned that pain, blame or shame never stopped any bad behavior….but when people are given unconditional love, more than not, the transformation happens (social studies).

Life is good. And it can be real shitty some days too. And I cry. And sometimes I eat a whole cookie rather than a half. And guess what? I’M the freaking BOMB! YOU MY FELLOW SISTER ARE THE BOMB!

We are WHOLE just as we are….doesn’t mean we are “there,” where we want to be perfectly. But we can ALLOW IMAGINATION to flow and move within us….so that that image becomes more real than not!

“BELIEVE first, “and then” it shall be yours.” -Jesus

Believe FIRST

and then.




You are doing better than you think dear sister! ❤️

Heather and I have been friends for 30 years. We started as Christian quiver-full moms in Patriarchal marriages homeschooling TONS of kids, to Spiritual women who are still working today to rid our patriarchal mind and we still homeschool our kids. I divorced 9 years ago and Heather is still married.

This is Robin. We've been friends for about 6 years. And no, we don't normally drink. We eat a cookie, laugh our butt off and then end with Esther Hicks and some deep discussion.

A great source of ENCOURAGEMENT for me, comes from a men's podcast called The Great Man Within. From this podcast I have learned I have been LONE-WOLFING my life. Sure I have GF's but most of the time I don't reveal my shit. But the funny thing is, when I hurt SO BADLY that my heart feels like it will burst, I open my mouth in truth telling only to find my friends are going through the SAME thing. How my life will flow with more E A S E and playfulness with just not allowing fear of judgement to rule me.

These are my cookies I pass out. My marajuana journey started about 9 years ago as I traded chemicals made in a lab to treat my blood pressure, to a plant made by God. When I began to experience Religious Tramautic Syndrome which manifests like PTSD I realized the wonderful help this herb brings to my soul and mind. I write pieces of my life and what I have experienced mixing it with some encouragement. Walking up to women at the beach, I ask them if they use marajuana and I've not had one say no! We usually share in short conversation, laugh a little and then hug. There are no words to describe the overwhelming JOY that fills my being during these timely short conversations. IT TRULY IS MUCH MORE FULFILLING TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.