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Paddle Boarding in February, Craving the Divine….


My day started with gratitude as I sat in my grass and observed the water droplets on the tips of various leaves. My kids think it is silly that I cry often when participating in god’s beauty…I really don’t care. I know that someday, they will feel and do the same.

How does god make these water droplets? Why does she create these miracles? I tell my kids it is for the purpose of drawing us to him/her/it self. What is the longing of a human’s heart….what is it that we need, want and crave?

From the beginning of time it has been constant and unchanging. Us humans crave UNION with divine. We don’t always know how to get there and sometimes we look outside of ourselves for this fulfillment….drugs, alcohol, sex, over working, materialism, plastic surgery, over eating, lack of eating, and even fanaticism for god….that too is a looking outward for belonging and approval.

For now, maybe I will see differently months or years from now….but for now, I believe mine and ever other humans search for “more” is a simple looking WITHIN rather than the frantic and dualistic search from without.

god is in US ALL. WE ARE ALL in god.

We don’t have to belong to a church, a synagogue, a mosque, a fellowship or any other religious group.

We don’t have to do a thing to be one with god. We ALREADY are.

But if you are like me….you thrash about at times. Feeling lonely, misunderstood, and a shitty mom (cause your kids will point out your faults….and when mine point out mine, they are usually on point!) so while we don’t have to do ANYTHING to be close to god, we CRAVE that feeling.


Today I refreshed myself by sitting in the grass and observed my awareness. I became AWARE that I am the awareness who is being aware. Which brings me only to THIS MOMENT. It is THIS MOMENT that is the HIGH, the craving, the Union we so DESIRE and groan for.

I picked up 2 brand new paddle boards for 75. each. Yes, brand new still in boxes. Once I’m out on the sand, from inflation to on the water is about 9 minutes. And deflating is just as easy.


Today myself and 3 of my girls went paddle boarding and VTM coffee (I’m still shaking!)


Little Olivia sat on the back of my board with Bekah on the other. As we dipped our paddles in the glassy water….left side 2 strokes, right side 2 strokes….you could only hear the sound of the paddles and of kids laughing on the shore. Looking towards the north there were snow capped mountains, looking towards the west, the great island of Catalina.


The air temperature was 80. I yelled out, “where in the world are moms and daughters having this much fun in swimsuits?”

My kids said, “probably no where!”

And it is so.

Momma are you tired and lonely? It’s ok. It’s normal! How would we ever experience the HIGH if we didn’t experience the low. How would we know WHAT WE DO WANT, unless we have experienced what we don’t want.

The aim for me and perhaps for you is to shorten that refractory period. UGH! I am so FREAKING BAD AT THAT! My refractory period is YEARS! 🥴😩🤔. But I am learning. And being whole hearted, soley devoted to my kids has been rejuvenating. I love being a mom and homemaker….but I miss a man. I decided to go to a local bar tonight and bring one home. JK….🤪


No dating for 6 months for me….which means May 17. So I have 3 months to establish better routines and to draw closer to my kids, which I have been working towards.


I honor you dear sister, you who are going through so very much. I know the trials.

But all is well.


How come all of our great sages of the past from every thought stream say, “all is well?” I guess because they were looking BACKWARD. For they themselves were once desperate and in need of divine guidance, and despite the storm they found refuge in the eye, in the calm, in the stillness which is god itself.

It is the SAME for us, as it was for them.


ALL IS WELL DEAR SISTER. And VERY WELL if you want to believe it so. ❤️